[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
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Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
In Canada they just call them geese
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Your honor these allegations are
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.