At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
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it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.