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Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall