Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
it be like that
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.