Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
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Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer