Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
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My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?