You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
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The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Just so funny
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.