Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe