[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
You Might Also Like
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders