Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.