Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
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[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥