Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
house sitting!
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that