Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
best review i’ve ever seen
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.