If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
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[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.