Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.