oh my god
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[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
bias laundering edition
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.