Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
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Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.