Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.