My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
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Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?