I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
You Might Also Like
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying