James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
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Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.