Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
More like Kate Missington.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…