When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
You Might Also Like
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Not recommended for beginners.
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we