How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
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*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED