Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate