friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
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People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine