Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
You Might Also Like
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*