My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
is it earth
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.