I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
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You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Squirrels before girls.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.