North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!