Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The Backseat Boys
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.