In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
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Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
rapatouille
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili