If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
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If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.