her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Hotels are back
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
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