You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
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Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
How dude HOW?!
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot