FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
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I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.