me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
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Expectations vs. Reality
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No