*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
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INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance