I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.