I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
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Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Me sliding into hell like
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”