Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Free him
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
this isn’t threatening at all
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
dam girl
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave