The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Noah
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”