My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
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it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.