You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
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I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
he’s doing your taxes
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.