Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
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Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
so this horse walks into a bar
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”