wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
You Might Also Like
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
That’s classic.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home