Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?