A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
When you kidnap a writer.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.