All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
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11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit