me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
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Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”